Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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