the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
