This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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