Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
