At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
