so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
