This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
