my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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