i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
