Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
