Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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