Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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