trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
