yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
