True but thats because hes a fetus.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
