never play flip cup with pint glasses
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
