I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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