Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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