I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
