We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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