We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
