she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
