If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
