DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
