Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Reggie can tackle my bush.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
