We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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