I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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