an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
