But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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