I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
