If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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