Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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