In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
