i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
