Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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