I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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