you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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