i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
