If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
