I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
