wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
