my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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