i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
