Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
