I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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