She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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