I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
