in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
