I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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