I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
