so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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