halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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