I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
