You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
