i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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